Black

Another week passes, and while closure was a part of what I thought happened last week, I was merely fooling myself. I'm not going to lie, the pain isn't as bad as it was a week ago, but it still lingers in moderation.


There are so many things that run through my mind that can't be shared because of this reason or that reason, and I get it. The best part is, you're spared of any sort of headache of having to deal with me or even hear my voice. That sounds rather 'oh woe is me', and it's not meant to. I just wish we could communicate without any sort of cloud lingering. 


Truth be told, I would LOVE to hold you close enough to breath the same air as you, smell your scent, and just overall have your physical touch one more time. Whether it's sexual or not, this is something I crave from you. 


You don't consume me so much that I can't function, but you still permeate my mind. Welcome to the lingering affect you've unofficially placed upon me. I wonder how your days are, yet know I can't ask because I won't get a response for however long. You don't ignore me, or at least I'd like to think you don't, however, I'm now intimidated by you ... in a roundabout way.


Yesterday, you wrote the words, "If you felt like that all time, I'd believe every word you say." I thought about that and wondered who you were speaking to, whether it was a customer at your work, your boss at the MFM, or just someone who's now a part of your life. 


What's weird to me is, what was it inside of me in the last 2-3 months we were together that didn't allow room for mistakes? Instead, there were more expectations placed upon you without you knowing. I'll find ways to get past those feelings. Placing expectation on someone without them knowing, is completely unfair. Here comes a 'wish in one hand' scenario - I wish I would have never done that to you ... honestly, I wish it would have never been done to me to begin with ... not by you, but by my Pop.


Whatever the case may be, I know that I miss the fuck out of you and everything you are. I know I'll never get to hear your laugh the way I used to and over time, I'll have to understand this. There are more elements about you I'll miss: your smile, your touch, your sense of humor, your love, your voice when I'm having a shitty day ... but most importantly, I'll miss what is one of the best people I had the good fortune of being with in my entire life.

So, in closing on this post, I'll say thank you ... for the time spent, for the laughter, for the smiles, the love, but most of all, sharing YOU with me.

I know someday you'll have a beautiful life ....