I want to talk to you about what's bothering me but because of everything that's going on, I don't know if there's going to be time. I understand I'm the one who pulled the trigger on what was something great, but in the end, I didn't have much of a choice.
You said that I never loved you as much as you loved me. Your words couldn't BE more wrong. Despite the actions you say I lacked in the end, I resented you for every time you'd say that to me. I don't know how I was supposed to SHOW you that I loved you, whether it was with attention 24/7, ONLY ever talking to you, or just doing everything you had expected of me.
Just because I didn't erase the images you had wanted me to, did NOT mean I loved you any less, or wasn't faithful to you. I made the mistake of storing some images I shouldn't have but in the end, erased everything that didn't matter. YOU mattered the most, and oddly enough still have a pretty high ranking in my book in spite of my wanting to shake you ferociously right now.
I can't sleep at night because of all of this and it's driving me insane. I wake up at odd hours of the night to check my phone to see if you've left a message. To no avail, not only is there no message, but it takes everything inside of me not to ask how you're doing. Mainly because I don't want to annoy you, even if I genuinely care about you.
You were on a date tonight and I knew it. That didn't hurt me but what did was when you said, "I won't have time tonight." In the times you were bummed out, I don't recall turning you away like that. You didn't know I wanted to talk to you, and more than likely wouldn't have taken the time anyway, as you have this new empowered feeling about you.
The past hour was spent shedding tears over all of this and for what? To try and compare to the countless hours you had earlier in the month? I can't apologize for those but if I could take back every second and replace it with laughter, please know that I would.
When I told you a couple weeks ago that "I loved you". I meant it. You're one of a kind and I'm blessed to have spent 51 weeks of my life with you. I've loved you every day SINCE saying it almost a year ago. The fights we had shouldn't have happened. The times we held grudges, should have been replaced with holding each other.
I never enjoyed fighting with you, and for every second we did, I'm sorry. I miss a number of things about you and who you are, your laugh, your excitement, your support, your smile
but most of all, I miss the one who brought me into her life because of her heart of gold.
I've wanted to call you over the past few days and read you the riot act, but for what? So I could be the tough guy? So I could bully you on the phone? What good would that have accomplished?
The person who's reaching out to you isn't asking for forgiveness, but for understanding. My heart for you is and was always pure. I wanted to stand by you through thick and thin but because of where we were and who we were, we weren't able to have that luxury ... and when we did, the times for those moments were few and far between.
Toward the end you said you loved me for everything I was. If that was really the case, why did it take the fear of losing what we had to say that instead of just going with that from the start?
I'm not asking for answers on any of these questions. I'm just writing to you to say, I'm sorry.
I'll never look back on the time we were together and regret a second of it. You mean and meant the world to me. You stood by me in my worst and shined even brighter when I was at my best. I hope that whoever gets your heart from here on out is THE greatest one for you. Lord knows, you deserve only the best life has to offer.
All I wanted was you ...
The Kill
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