First time posting in 10 years ...holy hell a lot has happened since the last time I was on here.

Wow. 

Where to begin?

First off, I need to come back to this thing daily, so I can have a reminder on what I should be doing more and less of while staying focused. 

I need help and don't know how to ask. I'm quick to point out the shortcomings of others, at times, without holding myself to a higher standard. This is unacceptable. 

Last night, I took out whatever is going on inside my head on someone over a simple Social Media post. I purposely went out of my way to be a jerk and for what? The point that was being made was dumb and unnecessary. The gentleman whose Facebook page I went off on is quite a nice fella. He's a father to his kids, a friend to many in the community, and overall, someone who deserves to be treated with respect. I woke up this morning with last night's actions on my mind. At first, I started to go back to sleep until the realization of everything set in. An apology was made while accountability was had but, to me ...and maybe this is me overthinking things, it didn't feel like it was enough. Marvin Kinney is someone who welcomed me into his life and I took it for granted. 

I'm sorry for acting the way I did, Marvin. I don't expect, anticipate you to forgive me. You're a human being much like the rest of us. You deserve kindness not what was offered last night. I will make sure to do better in the days ahead. 

I just sent this to him. You can and will do better, Chris Payne. Stop being a prick for no reason. People make mistakes. It's not your responsibility to correct everything. 

Under pressure

For a while now I've been fortunate enough to be surrounded by positive energy at work. I can say that for the first time in almost 10 years, that energy is anything but existing. Every day used to be a holiday when coming in to work, but now, it almost seems like a chore. 


Make no mistake, I'm still passionate about what I do and who I am, but when it comes to enjoying the work environment, ever since our old boss has been relinquished of ANY responsibility, the fun went out the door with her. This is a bitter pill to swallow at times. I don't expect our new boss to have the same approach she did, but it would be nice if he were somewhat flexible with his approach. He's a very 'my way or the highway' approach ... which is kind of fucked.


Recently he said to me - for the second time in a month - "You should work on being more a part of the team, interact more with (insert one co-workers name here) and (other co-workers name here). Well, when I responded with, "I have actually. My approach with (insert one co-workers name here) has been constructive, however the same cannot be said for (other co-workers name here). She gets it because she's mature (to a degree, and we'll address that in a few), but he (other co-workers name here) is still a kid. I know 'he's still a kid', but if he's going to be around the rest of us, he has to understand that acting like a grown up every now & then isn't a bad thing."


I think my boss dismissed what I had to say because I have yet to notice any improvement.


Now then .... back to (insert co-workers name here) and how the maturity level of said person, is anything but high. This individual has found ways to get under my skin, yet I've managed to let it slide, for the most part, until yesterday. 


This person had harmful intent in mind, or did she?


@Mustangbex - haha if i went to bullys, there would be a very good chance i'd punch someone in the face. i'm all about shenanigans!


Like I said, I've managed to let it all slide.....until I read that post. Not long after that was written, this one surfaced:


@metrosecretary3 - i know :( it's very sad & yes i absolutely would be punching @deftonesfreek in the face. might do it anyway later.


Let's back track a touch. Last week, this person, and three of our co-workers, redecorated my office in the team colors of (insert one co-workers name here)'s favorite colors. Apparently this individual felt threatened by my actions through last Monday morning - when in typical passionate sports fan fashion, I'd walk by (insert one co-workers name here)'s office & say, "you're done on Sunday" whilst running my thumb across my throat in executioner fashion. Let's clarify something ... I'd NEVER take physical action against someone, let alone a co-worker, over a football game.


I'm guessing (insert one co-workers name here) thought differently, hence part of why my office was redecorated. (insert one co-workers name here) & the three cohorts were warned, "you're screwing with the wrong person when it comes to pranks." Needless to say, they continued with their 'prank'.


the next day, I posted pics on the interwebs & (insert one co-workers name here) took offense later in the day by getting pissy during a Facebook exchange. Wednesday is where we are now, and my office has been scoured of any 'redecorating'. What else was missing? A sense of humor from the 4 culprits. They were told the day before that revenge would come, but on MY time. Clearly this didn't go over well. 


Sensing (insert one co-workers name here)'s getting pissed even more, I posted on Twitter - It's all fun & games until things are on an even playing field, then you take your ball & go home #coward.


(insert one co-workers name here) & the culprits read the post and reacted accordingly. More sullenness, and edgy attitudes continued. By now, I've had enough and just want the week to be over. Friday night rolls in & (insert one co-workers name here)'s found at the same public function I am. She attempts at exchanging pleasantries, but honestly, I'm JUST shy of telling this person to go fuck themselves. Instead, I acknowledge with a quick, 'hey', and move on with my night.


Saturday -  I post on my FB page an OPEN invite to watch the Chicago/Seattle game. (insert one co-workers name here) writes on my page, "am I still invited or are you still pissed at me?" I wrote back with, "you're the one who can't take the heat. The kitchen's always open." 


Guess who didn't show up? Yep .......you guessed right. sad thing about that, watching the game WITH (insert one co-workers name here) may have cleared the air AND been fun for both. Instead, (insert one co-workers name here) had to pout at home and talk all sorts of shit on Twitter.....like most of America does when things don't go their way.


How do I end this rant? Simply by saying that today and the next few days should be fun....seeing (insert one co-workers name here) just may strike me in the face before I leave today.

Black

Another week passes, and while closure was a part of what I thought happened last week, I was merely fooling myself. I'm not going to lie, the pain isn't as bad as it was a week ago, but it still lingers in moderation.


There are so many things that run through my mind that can't be shared because of this reason or that reason, and I get it. The best part is, you're spared of any sort of headache of having to deal with me or even hear my voice. That sounds rather 'oh woe is me', and it's not meant to. I just wish we could communicate without any sort of cloud lingering. 


Truth be told, I would LOVE to hold you close enough to breath the same air as you, smell your scent, and just overall have your physical touch one more time. Whether it's sexual or not, this is something I crave from you. 


You don't consume me so much that I can't function, but you still permeate my mind. Welcome to the lingering affect you've unofficially placed upon me. I wonder how your days are, yet know I can't ask because I won't get a response for however long. You don't ignore me, or at least I'd like to think you don't, however, I'm now intimidated by you ... in a roundabout way.


Yesterday, you wrote the words, "If you felt like that all time, I'd believe every word you say." I thought about that and wondered who you were speaking to, whether it was a customer at your work, your boss at the MFM, or just someone who's now a part of your life. 


What's weird to me is, what was it inside of me in the last 2-3 months we were together that didn't allow room for mistakes? Instead, there were more expectations placed upon you without you knowing. I'll find ways to get past those feelings. Placing expectation on someone without them knowing, is completely unfair. Here comes a 'wish in one hand' scenario - I wish I would have never done that to you ... honestly, I wish it would have never been done to me to begin with ... not by you, but by my Pop.


Whatever the case may be, I know that I miss the fuck out of you and everything you are. I know I'll never get to hear your laugh the way I used to and over time, I'll have to understand this. There are more elements about you I'll miss: your smile, your touch, your sense of humor, your love, your voice when I'm having a shitty day ... but most importantly, I'll miss what is one of the best people I had the good fortune of being with in my entire life.

So, in closing on this post, I'll say thank you ... for the time spent, for the laughter, for the smiles, the love, but most of all, sharing YOU with me.

I know someday you'll have a beautiful life ....

The water works won't stop

Dear Victoria - 


I want to talk to you about what's bothering me but because of everything that's going on, I don't know if there's going to be time. I understand I'm the one who pulled the trigger on what was something great, but in the end, I didn't have much of a choice. 


You said that I never loved you as much as you loved me. Your words couldn't BE more wrong. Despite the actions you say I lacked in the end, I resented you for every time you'd say that to me. I don't know how I was supposed to SHOW you that I loved you, whether it was with attention 24/7, ONLY ever talking to you, or just doing everything you had expected of me. 


Just because I didn't erase the images you had wanted me to, did NOT mean I loved you any less, or wasn't faithful to you. I made the mistake of storing some images I shouldn't have but in the end, erased everything that didn't matter. YOU mattered the most, and oddly enough still have a pretty high ranking in my book in spite of my wanting to shake you ferociously right now. 


I can't sleep at night because of all of this and it's driving me insane. I wake up at odd hours of the night to check my phone to see if you've left a message. To no avail, not only is there no message, but it takes everything inside of me not to ask how you're doing. Mainly because I don't want to annoy you, even if I genuinely care about you.


You were on a date tonight and I knew it. That didn't hurt me but what did was when you said, "I won't have time tonight." In the times you were bummed out, I don't recall turning you away like that. You didn't know I wanted to talk to you, and more than likely wouldn't have taken the time anyway, as you have this new empowered feeling about you.


The past hour was spent shedding tears over all of this and for what? To try and compare to the countless hours you had earlier in the month? I can't apologize for those but if I could take back every second and replace it with laughter, please know that I would.


When I told you a couple weeks ago that "I loved you". I meant it. You're one of a kind and I'm blessed to have spent 51 weeks of my life with you. I've loved you every day SINCE saying it almost a year ago. The fights we had shouldn't have happened. The times we held grudges, should have been replaced with holding each other.

I never enjoyed fighting with you, and for every second we did, I'm sorry. I miss a number of things about you and who you are, your laugh, your excitement, your support, your smile

but most of all, I miss the one who brought me into her life because of her heart of gold.


I've wanted to call you over the past few days and read you the riot act, but for what? So I could be the tough guy? So I could bully you on the phone? What good would that have accomplished? 


The person who's reaching out to you isn't asking for forgiveness, but for understanding. My heart for you is and was always pure. I wanted to stand by you through thick and thin but because of where we were and who we were, we weren't able to have that luxury ... and when we did, the times for those moments were few and far between. 


Toward the end you said you loved me for everything I was. If that was really the case, why did it take the fear of losing what we had to say that instead of just going with that from the start? 


I'm not asking for answers on any of these questions. I'm just writing to you to say, I'm sorry.


I'll never look back on the time we were together and regret a second of it. You mean and meant the world to me. You stood by me in my worst and shined even brighter when I was at my best. I hope that whoever gets your heart from here on out is THE greatest one for you. Lord knows, you deserve only the best life has to offer.


All I wanted was you ...


The Kill

Pondering...

Maybe it's time to change....

Sometimes life is such a motherf_cker that sleeping always seems like the best option.

There are times, more often than not, when I look back at what has brought me to where I am now. Often I find myself playing the ‘What If’ game.

‘What If’ I would have zigged instead of zagged?

‘What If’ I would have chose the door on the right, instead of the left? 

‘What If’ the things I let consume my thoughts go, instead of allowing them to wreak havoc on my mental state?

Honestly the questions I have would continue to flow. I just don’t have the time to post them all, not to mention I’d rather not bog you down with all that’s left.

Those I’ve chosen to let in my head know some of these things and they’ve offered many pearls of wisdom. To those of you who know who you are, thank you for your genius. 

If you’re reading this wondering ‘why is he on a random rant?’ To tell you the truth, my heart’s not collaborating with my mind which in turn is creating a tad bit of conflict. All of this will subside soon. I just felt the need to get this off my chest. 

As I re-read this, I think to myself, ‘you’re being INCREDIBLY vague. Knock it off!’ 

I think I’m being vague because I want to cry. I’m torn with internal conflict. I’m not afraid to spill the beans. This is not the right time. When will be the right time? Who knows? Time is the only one who can answer that question.

I’d like to lay down, go to sleep, then wake up and have all of my internal shit disappear: 

clouded thoughts, doubt, debt, and overall mental anguish that prevents me from BEING the most badass motherfucker on the planet. 

This is the part of the dialogue where I profess that I’m human and fully capable of making mistakes.

It’s Saturday night. I shouldn’t be blogging about heavy shit. I should be out raising a pint with friends, or making love to a beautiful woman … like my ex. Alas, I feel like a tortured soul who may never be able to completely experience the fruits of my labor without guilt.

Truth be told, I’m shedding a few tears as I type this in hopes that some of the anguish that plagues my inner systems fucks off, thus allowing me to be able TO raise a pint or share a laugh later tonight. I could probably call my ex and make up some phony reason to get together, then hope to make love to her by night’s end, but would it be worth it? Seeing she’s leaving for greener pastures soon. I’d rather respect her and not play those kind of games with her heart. 

I’m not trying to sound self-righteous and all ‘way to go CP! You’re doing the right thing!’ It’s more of a common sense thing. Would I want that to happen to me knowing that may be the last hurrah? 

All in all, I’m a good soul who has done a lot of good things, yet for some reason, I don’t feel like karma has payed me back for any of my effort.

Now I’m just rambling.

Sorry.

I have to get my shit together and go paint a fake smile on my face. Thanks for taking the time to read this. I’ll figure things out. After all, “what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger”, right?